


Lucius Malfoy on Creating Sparklepires

by Kitty_Shinju (Queen_Kit)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Crack, Don’t copy to another site, Gen, Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-24
Updated: 2011-08-24
Packaged: 2019-11-08 21:46:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17989088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Queen_Kit/pseuds/Kitty_Shinju
Summary: A minor crossover with Twilight on how Lucius Malfoy created the Twilight Vampires or "Sparklepires". In the form of a letter written to other Wizards. (Does not feature any Twilight characters, but is meant to be how Sparkling Vampires were created)Saved from the impending deletion of my FFN account





	Lucius Malfoy on Creating Sparklepires

**Author's Note:**

> Written: April 13th, 2010  
> Edited: August 24, 2011
> 
> Disclaimer:I do not own Twilight or Harry Potter. I don't even own the book Twilight of which I have only read 192 pages of so far. I'm holding up to my end of a bargain and giving it a chance like I promised my cousins.
> 
> AN: *sighs* my cousin brought twilight so I could give it a chance as I promised in December.  
> So I'll post this to mock the sparklepires and save myself.

**To:**  The Wizarding World (Draco Malfoy, Albus Dumbledor, Boy-Who-Lived, and any other wizard that isn't Lucius Malfoy)

 **From:**  Lucius Malfoy

**How to create the sparklepires in** _**(Well I don't know how many you'll count them for me won't you all?)** _ **semi-easy steps.**

It's really not that difficult you know. And remember in this whole process  _VANITY_  is everything.

The first step you must complete is to spend money on the best doctors so that idiot Lockhart recovers enough to remember his wizard trademark spell of sparkles that only he knows.

The second step most obviously is to steal the knowledge from the slippery little bastard. After all he stole it from your grandfather anyway. Sparkling is a MALFOY family trademark. *snears*

(Then of course you have to kill him and listen in so you hear the screams when they find him. Such a lovely sound. Saunter in yourself if you have properly cleaned up from the killing and comment on how it was "such a pity" and how he had been doing so well.)

The next step is to use your newly recovered trademark constantly and even teach it to your less attractive son so everyone  _KNOWS_  that  _MALFOY'S SPARKLE_. This look is especially effective on your pale skin on a sunny day.

Now this next step is the hardest.  
Find out - *shudders* - find out that you're getting  _OLD_  and that you're losing your looks. Sob in a closet for a week before remembering that super-secret book of anti-aging rituals you bought at a yard sale last year.

Then perform the ritual to become a vampire while using your Malfoy Sparkles.

When you wake up seven days later after slaughtering a family of muggles discover that your sparkle is now permanent while in sunlight and doesn't draw on your magic to do so. Squee and prance around like a little girl until you look at yourself in a lake.

Become absorbed in watching yourself sparkle for about 3 days or until you are found by a muggle. Feed from the muggle and accidentally figure out how to turn them. Watch the muggle become almost as attractive as you are. Then let him free to be killed by his own people for being a freak to them now. Laugh as he burns while you use a parasol so you don't sparkle.

The last step to infesting the world with Sparklepires is to experiment in the creation of Sparklepires from ugly people and releasing the failures that are less attractive than you. Keep the ones that are as attractive as you for pets. Destroy any that become more attractive than you and bury their ashes in the basement.

And that is how you infest the world with sissy Sparklepires that are not as attractive as you, you handsome devil you. Sure it was mostly an accident, but it was a happy accident. (Really it's almost too bad no one else will ever learn the spell from me and that I'll kill any I find that are more attractive than myself.)

Oh and I wouldn't try it on  _really ugly_  people. The magical sparkling fire of purification can do nothing about them and they'll burn up in it until they are only ashes, because they just can't be made pretty.

_Au revoir!_

A letter from Lucius Malfoy to the lesser peoples of the wizarding world. And yes that includes you Draco.


End file.
